Perpetual Disillusionment - Reflections on dependent origination and the subtlety of suffering

The beauty and simplicity of buddhist thought, mindfulness, awareness, curious investigation etc... is that is just that: beautiful and simple. Everything possesses a divinity defined by the reality that its existence is dependent on the existence of other phenomenon - and its existence is the cause and condition of other phenomenon to arise. This is not a novel and mystical attitude, in my opinion. This is really the root of all science and engineering: that all phenomenon exist in an interdependent web, where one string pulled can have an effect on another ad infinitum. I believe this concept can become sticky to some when that lens is focused inward - on our notion of self. selfhood, ipseity. It is easy to project a cause and effect reality over our external world, i believe it can make us feel that we are separate from it, and therefore can control it. Things get a bit turbulent when we take that extra investigative step and begin to realize that who we are is also part of this interdependent web of existence. Where all phenomenon, including all that we experience and identify with, are inherently "nonexistent". Woah there. We must be careful with lofty sounding terms such as non-existence especially when discussing selfhood - but what it really means is that "we" are neither perpetual in our existence, nor finite. We exist within this perfectly balanced "middle way" as the Buddha put it - where existence of phenomenon rises and falls, morphs and ceases in dependence of certain causes and conditions. It is important to define conventional truths - i.e observed phenomenon and ultimate truth - i.e the inherent nonexistence of all phenomenon as independent entities. Typically when referring to sources of suffering, it is the overemphasis on conventional truths. The imbalance of perspective on ultimate and conventional reality. Skewing too far in either direction can be dangerous.

To me, that is fairly liberating, it means we, at all times, have the capacity to change the salience of our suffering, to adjust the causes and conditions in our control with piercing clarity. To also realize that suffering does not exist as some immutable, unshakable entity -that instead it may arise in dependence with a source of suffering and our conscious attitude towards it - is a pretty powerful insight. An insight that must be experienced viscerally - not based on concepts that define what we think that may look like.

Alright - with that background - I would like to explore the idea of existing in a state of "perpetual disillusionment". Here is a little story to preface this idea:

A young man strolled down to a roaring river. A river whose chaotic motion is determined by the intricate, seemingly intentional rock formations below the surface. The young man was an appreciator of art and wanted to capture the beauty of the river's flow so he ran to the bank with a cardboard box - scooped up a cubic meter of water, taped it up and ran back to town to share it with everyone. He exclaimed that he had captured and boxed up the ineffability of the river flow and, naturally, the whole community gathered around to see this feat. However, when he arrived, all they saw was some still, dead water and a soggy box.

We often navigate life through the lens of a separate, independent self. In each, subtle moment we create an expectation of how we want things to be. With the processes of foresight, rumination, and imagination we create ideas of how we think things ought to be - we want to create security in inherent insecurity by judging, compartmentalizing, boxing up, naming, rejecting, craving what we believe to be the substance of life. But, what you are actually basing your security on is not life itself, it is a microscopic, conditional little segment that you are convinced is the way things must be - and when you are met with the fact that this neutered expectation isn't coming into fruition - you are struck with a feeling of disappointment and disillusionment. The next step oftentimes is to double down and escape the disappointment by searching for security in other phenomenon, only to be let down once more. This perpetual cycle of setting expectations and being met with reality being largely different happens on the most subtle level. Literally moment to moment - not necessarily seconds, minutes, days, years - it can happen on those scales, but if it is the framework by which you live, this separation from reality is essentially perpetual. This "suffering", if you will, only arises in dependence with the ignorance of dependent origination. That the condition of expectation, the constant tension of wanting to be anywhere else than where you are now, is a crucial condition that, in conjunction with other phenomenon, creates a tough feeling of disappointment. How this attitude can evolve into other unwholesome or apathetic states of being is its own topic. To realize that your idea of self, your conditioning, your expectations of self is just a tiny little drop in a massive, ineffable reality can help you tap into some level of liberation. With mindfulness and compassionate self-inquiry, you can precisely identify what thought patterns, attitudes, and consumptions are causes and conditions in the arising of subjective experiences which are unwholesome. With that piercing clarity, you may find that a life lived with non-judgement, ease, patience, and tenderness towards self can create the conditions of a fulfilling life experience - it is also fantastic that those who may embody these values alleviate the suffering of others, effectively adjusting more causes and conditions of more societal or community level suffering and therefore kickstarting a change in thought.

it all starts with us, as individuals, we can cultivate mindfulness and identify what levers we can pull to create the conditions of openness, kindness to self and realization of our unique potential. It is often that setting subtle expectations of how things ought to be is a surefire way of creating moment to moment disillusionment and confusion, which can drive one farther away from well-being.

In the age of instant gratification and ability to consume constantly, our capacity to have autonomy over the nutriments that fuel our consciousness and body diminishes everyday. We need to have better access to healthy, whole foods, exercise, and mental health care that emphasizes attunement to self. We need to regulate the immensity of the information we and our youth consume on a massive scale everyday through constantly-on media. All these societal and ecological factors have a profound impact on our ability to attune to ourself and identify the causes and conditions of our suffering. We end up defaulting to flawed modes of seeking numbing, temporary gratification, or meaning in things inherently stripped down from the richness of reality. The solution to this problem must occur at the systemic level surely, but for now, all we can do as individuals is strengthen our capacity of internal attunement. :)

PS:
I must emphasize that I am constantly on a journey of self-understanding and observation - these thoughts express the current state of who I am. I am always aware and open to the fact that my thoughts, opinions, and perspectives are subject to criticism and change. If the things you read here do not resonate or you disagree, thats OK - feel free to open a discussion or just dismiss and move on.

I never want to assume I have it “all figured out” or the answers - of course not. These are just reflections of a young dude who derives joy in exploring these ideas.